A Study in Fear
by Hummingbird1759
Summary: Snapshots of John's greatest fear at different times in his life. Kid!John to present day. Rated T for angst, profanity, references to substance abuse, sexual situations in later chapters.
1. 1980

_A/N: These stories are sequential and each will be 221 words or less. I don't own these characters, Moffat/Gatiss and Conan Doyle do. Thank you to the numerous readers who suggested this series!_

* * *

Four-year-old John Watson is sneaking into his big sister's room. Harriet has all the best toys. She even has an Action Man! She won't let John play with it because she says he's too little. The joke's on her, though, because right now Harriet's at school, which means John can play with Action Man and Harriet will never find out!

He digs Action Man out of the hiding place that Harriet thinks is super secret. _(It's not. Girls are so dumb!)_ He decides to send Action Man on his most dangerous mission ever. Action Man is going to jump out of a plane and parachute into the base of the bad guy who kidnapped the Royal Family!

John perches Action Man on the edge of Harriet's bookshelf, then positions a Ken doll directly below him. The boy shouts, "Hang on, Your Highnesses! I'll save you!"

With a swipe of his hand, John knocks Action Man off the bookshelf. The action figure falls ungracefully and when it lands on the hardwood floor, its head flies off.

John's greatest fear is that Harriet will knock his head off when she gets home.


	2. 1982

John's dad is standing straight and tall in his Army uniform. There's a war going on somewhere far away, and John's dad has to go fight in it. _(The Walklands? No, the Falklands.)_ He gives John's mum a hug and kisses Harriet on the cheek. Then he kneels down in front of John.

"Now John, while I'm away, you're the man of the house. Look after your mother and your sister until I come home."

"When will you come home?"

Dad smiles and says, "When the war is over. Be a good boy now."

As Dad walks off, John looks up and sees that Mum is crying. Remembering his dad's instruction, John holds his mother's hand. His greatest fear is that Dad won't come back.


	3. 1982, part 2

Before Dad left for the Falklands, he and Mum had parties almost every Friday or Saturday night. The only time they didn't have a full house on a weekend was when they went to someone else's house for a party. With Dad away, Mum continues to have her girlfriends over frequently, but now it's not just the weekends; it seems that every night, there are grownups talking and drinking lots of wine in the living room while John tries to get to sleep.

He flops over in his bed. He had an incredibly long day. He dozed off in class because Mum and her friends had kept him up till all hours last night and everyone laughed at him. Then Chris stole his lunch money and didn't get in trouble! _(Mrs. Spencer said she didn't see anything, but she just likes him better than me.)_ After school, he and Harry played football with the neighbour kids and she didn't even pick him to be on her team! Now Mum and her friends are at it again and it looks like tomorrow is going to be a repeat of today.

John knows that his dad will fix this, all of it, when he comes home from the war. His greatest fear is that the war will never end.


	4. 1982, part 3

Dad has been home from the war for a few weeks and Mum has only slightly scaled back on her partying. One afternoon, John is in his room reading _Wind in the Willows_ and he overhears Mum and Dad in the kitchen.

Exasperated, Dad says, "You're inviting the girls over again tonight? Didn't you just have them over two nights ago?"

"Well, we like to get together and have fun. Besides, they're bringing their husbands over, so it isn't as if you'll be the only rooster at a hen party."

"And where are we getting the money for all this food and wine? Is this what you did while I was gone? Is that why our bank accounts are in such shambles?"

"I had to do _something_ while you were off playing soldier!" Mum says defensively.

"You take that back!" Dad growls. He throws something at Mum and the object shatters on the floor.

"Playing soldier," Mum snarls through gritted teeth. "It was a pointless war over some bloody islands."

Dad throws something else at Mum and the object hits the wall with a thump. He stomps out the door, grumbling about not getting into arguments with drunken idiots. Moments later, John hears the car start.

John's greatest fear is that his parents will get divorced.

* * *

_A/N: I doubt these are Mum's true feelings about the Falklands War; she's only saying this because she's drunk and trying to provoke her husband. He knows it, thus his refusal to take the bait._


	5. 1983

John and his dad are sitting on the couch looking at old photographs. Most of the photos are black-and-white, and all of the men are in military uniforms.

"This one's your great-grandfather – he was one of Britain's first fighter pilots. And that's your grandfather; he was an army medic in the Second World War. He was a part of the Battle of the Bulge and rescued a group of American soldiers. And that's me, son, just before the Falklands. There's been a Watson in every war Britain's fought for the last 250 years. We don't shirk our duties; when Queen and Country call, we answer. We go to war and we return as heroes." Slipping his arm around John's shoulders, he adds, "Someday, you will be a hero too."

John gives his father an uncertain look. "But I'm short."

Dad looks the boy in the eye and says, "Son, you don't need to be tall to be a hero. You just need to be brave and to do what must be done. If you can manage that, people will look up to you, no matter your height."

John's greatest fear is that his dad is wrong.

* * *

_A/N: Special thanks to my dad, who gave me similar advice when I was about this age. :)_


	6. 1984

When John and Harry (who won't answer to Harriet anymore) left for school this morning, Mum was on the couch in her bathrobe watching telly. She told them that the reason she was still there when they came home is that she's ill. She isn't, and they know that she isn't, but they keep up the fiction for the sake of family harmony. They spend most of their afternoons outside playing football and pretend that their mum calls them to dinner when everyone else's does.

Today, John comes home before Harry and sprawls on the floor next to Mum. Dad returns home shortly after and dutifully kisses Mum, wincing at the liquor on her breath. He asks if she's been in her robe all day.

"So what if I have? It's not as if anyone will see me here."

"That's my point, Miranda. You need to get out of the house more, do something besides watch telly and drink! What sort of example are you setting for the children?"

Mum grabs John and puts her arm around him. With a boozy grin, and says, "John, you're a happy boy. You don't mind if your mum drinks, do you?"

John's greatest fear is that he'll be in trouble no matter what he says.


	7. 1985

In the back of an alley, some bigger boys are shoving John around. He doesn't stand a chance; he's the smallest boy in his class, and there are two of them and only one of him. Just as he's about to get the world's biggest wedgie, a familiar voice rings out.

"Pick on someone your own size, jerk!"

Todd, the boy who's closest to John, turns around just in time to get Harry's fist in his face. He sprawls backward and the other bully, Chad, scampers off. Once out of sight of the bullies, John deliberately walks three feet behind Harry. He doesn't speak to his sister for the rest of the night.

John's greatest fear is that nobody will ever forget he had to be rescued by a girl.


	8. 1985, part 2

John bounces out of bed on Christmas morning and charges into Harry's room. Twelve-year-old Harry is groggy at first but perks up at the mention of presents. She goes to the kitchen to start tea while John awakens their parents and visiting Aunt Louise.

When the family crowds around the Christmas tree, John can't help but notice that the pile of presents is much smaller this year than it was last year. Both children get a few books and clothes, but neither gets the gift they asked for. Harry spends the whole day scowling at Mum, who pretends not to notice. Mum overcooked the roast and everyone else pretends not to notice.

After dinner, Harry stomps off to her room to sulk. Tentatively, John comes in and asks Harry if she's upset because she didn't get what she wanted. He tries to comfort her by saying that lots of kids are poorer than they are.

"Daft twit. We wouldn't _be_ poor if Mum didn't drink all our money!"

John gapes in silence.

"Dad gave her money for our Christmas presents and she spent it on beer! I saw her!" Harry buries her face in the pillow and tells John to go away.

John's greatest fear is that his sister is right.


	9. 1986

Harry and John are cowering in Harry's bedroom. For the last two hours, their parents have been arguing and every so often there's a crash or a crunch as some other object is destroyed. The children have decided to stay out of their way to avoid flying shards of crockery.

The shouting and the crashing finally die down and John thinks that maybe it's over, maybe they'll make up now and things will go back to normal, as they always do after these fights. He pokes his head into the hallway just in time to see Mum storm into the master bedroom. Dad is still in the living room, shoulders squared and arms folded defiantly. Mum emerges from the bedroom a few minutes later with a suitcase. She stops at Harry's room and tells the children that she's going away for awhile and that they should be good. John asks Mum when she'll be back. Mum smiles and says nothing.

John's greatest fear is that he'll never see his mother again.


	10. 1986, part 2

After the divorce, Mum moved in with Uncle David and said she would send for John and Harry as soon as she had her own place. Aunt Louise, Dad's sister, comes by in the afternoons to look after John and Harry. One afternoon, John and Harry come home to find Aunt Louise on the phone. She hands the phone to Harry, who holds it up where John can hear.

Mum says, "Kids, I've found my own place! I want the two of you to come visit this weekend! I'll fetch you after school on Friday."

On Friday afternoon John and Harry are in the sitting room eagerly awaiting Mum. The two of them chatter about what her new flat is like and whether she will let them have a dog. After about an hour, they get fidgety and turn on the telly. Two hours pass and no sign of Mum. Aunt Louise tries to ring her, but there's no answer.

After three hours of waiting, Dad comes home. He orders pizza and lets John and Harry choose the topping. Harry sulks in her bedroom after dinner. John stays up well past his bedtime waiting for Mum and only goes to bed when Dad promises to wake him as soon as Mum arrives.

John's greatest fear is that Mum doesn't love him.

* * *

_A/N: Unlike in America, British courts generally do not make decisions regarding child custody in divorce cases. Divorcing couples work out custody and visitation issues on their own. [Source: www . . uk /children. html] In a situation like this, it's conceivable that Dad forbade Mum to see John and Harry till she cleaned up her act, and she may have pretended that things were better than they actually were in order for a chance to see her children (which she blew). _


	11. 1987

Mum has once again invited John and Harry to visit her at her new flat. Harry declines, saying that she's busy with schoolwork. _(Does she really expect Mum to believe that? Harry hates school.) _John, however, takes her up on the offer. _(Mum sounded so sad on the phone that I couldn't say no.)_

Mum picks him up that Friday afternoon and takes him to dinner at his favourite pizza place. After dinner, she shows John her new flat and what she calls her "lucky chips" – metal discs in different colours. She tells him that she gets one for every month she goes without drinking. Right now, she has seven chips. If she can get to a full year, she will have a party and invite her children.

John has a rugby game on Saturday and for the first time, his mother attends. He's a little embarrassed at her enthusiastic cheering and a little worried when he sees Dad and Harry are at the game too. Dad and Mum are civil to each other, and even Harry seems impressed by Mum's progress.

When she drops John off at home on Sunday, she hugs him and says, "Let's do this again next week."

John's greatest fear is that she won't come next week.


	12. 1988

At school one afternoon, John hears a speaker talk about the Army Cadet Force – a youth organization affiliated with the Army. Cadets get to do wilderness survival and first aid training just like real soldiers. Older cadets even get to shoot guns! John has heard so many of his father's stories about Watsons in the Army, and he wants to be like them. _(Besides, Dad was a cadet too, so he'll let me join even if it's expensive.)_

John races home with the information the speaker handed out and as he suspects, Dad allows him to join. At the detachment's first meeting, the instructor casts a condescending eye on John and seems to look at him whenever he talks about "toughening up you lot."

The boy merely sets his jaw and returns the instructor's stony gaze. He knows what adults think of him; he's small, he wears hand-me-downs, and his mum used to be a drunk. He's bright, they concede, but they've seen too many boys from his neighbourhood forget about school after discovering girls or drugs and they don't hold out much hope for John to break the pattern.

John's greatest fear is that he won't prove them wrong.

* * *

_A/N: John's experiences with the ACF are loosely based on those of Charlotte Madison, a British Apache pilot who first became interested in the Army while participating in the cadets._


	13. 1989

John is taking biology this term and he's thrilled to have Jessica Abrams assigned as his lab partner. She must be the prettiest girl in school, and John's been dying for an excuse to talk to her. They're asked to dissect a frog, and Jessica is squeamish, but John talks her through the experiment and manages to calm her nerves. _(She smiled! Maybe she actually likes me!)_

After class, he overhears Jessica and some of her friends talking in the hall.

One girl teases, "Jessica, I heard you were lab partners with John Watson! Do you _like_ him?"

Jessica makes a face and replies, "Ugh, no! He wears his sister's old clothes! He's probably a poof!"

John rests his head against the wall and groans to himself. His greatest fear is that he'll never get to kiss a girl.


	14. 1989, part 2

_A/N: Homophobic slurs ahead. Opinions expressed herein are the characters' and not my own._

* * *

John is walking home from school and passes a couple of older boys. He'd like to avoid them, but it's impossible; if he walks on the other side of the street, they'll only shout louder, and if he takes the long way home, they find him. Best to just get it overwith.

Chad shouts, "Oi, Watson, I heard your sister's a dyke!"

John ignores them. Every time he's tried to stick up for Harry, it's earned him a punch in the mouth from the bullies and a cold shoulder from her, so he's quit trying.

Eddie chimes in, "Ha, and he's wearing one of her shirts too! I bet he's a poofter!" In a sing-song tone, he says, "Sweet little poof, where's your boyfriend?"

The next few minutes are a blur of flying fists and elbows. Before he knows what's happened, John has lifted Eddie up by his collar and pinned him to the wall. Chad has been thrown into the rubbish bins. He headbutts Eddie and says, "If you or garbage-face over there ever call me that again, I'll beat you to a pulp."

Eddie nods, terrified. John drops him and then stalks off. His greatest fear is being found by Eddie's big brother.


	15. 1990

Fourteen-year-old John Watson is over at his friend Vanessa's house to study. Ostensibly, they're studying British History, but they've spent more time studying each other's eyes. John can't believe his luck; Vanessa is pretty and smart and she really fancies him.

After two hours of talking and flirting, John finally summons his courage. _(It's now or never! Make your move before her mum gets home!)_

John's never kissed a girl before, but he's watched enough television to know how this goes. Gently, he cups her chin and leans in. His eyes drift closed, and so do hers. Tentatively, their lips meet and press together for one glorious moment. When they finally break apart, both teens smile sheepishly.

John's greatest fear is that he won't get to do this again.


	16. 1991

It's a lovely summer Saturday. John had a rugby game this afternoon, and then Mum took him and a few of his mates to dinner. When she drops him off at home, no one else is there – Dad went out with the lads after John's game and Harry is at a party. John showers and flops in front of the telly, exhausted.

He's half asleep when Harry stumbles through the front door. John mumbles a greeting. Harry cocks an eyebrow at him. "Is that any way to speak to your older sister?"

John instinctively regains alertness. Harry's never used this tone, but it's hauntingly familiar. "Sorry?"

Harry strides over to John and stands between him and the telly. She slurs, "I know you're sorry, now apologize!" Despite herself, she giggles a bit, but then regains her composure. "You don't respect me!"

"What are you talking about? Of course I do!"

"You never respected me! Even when I stood up for you!" She leans forward and John can smell the liquor on her breath.

Harry is about to slap John when Dad walks in and breaks the two of them apart. As Dad gives Harry a blistering lecture, John sneaks off to his room. His greatest fear is that Harry will turn into Mum.


	17. June 1992

On the last day of the term, the teacher asks John to stay late. The teen approaches with trepidation; teachers usually don't notice him unless he's in trouble.

Mrs. Slocombe says haughtily, "Master Watson, I understand you've enrolled in A-levels. I'm surprised; most boys of _your_ background don't undertake rigorous courses of study. What do you intend to do for your career?"

Standing tall, John replies, "I want to go to Bart's and be an Army doctor."

"A _doctor_? What's wrong with just being a medic?"

"Nothing. My grandfather was a medic… but he wished he could've been a doctor. Medics _take_ orders, but doctors _give_ orders."

Mrs. Slocombe raises an eyebrow. "You _do_ realize that in order to get into Bart's, you'll need A grades in your maths and science classes, and nothing lower than a B in your other subjects?"

"Yes."

"No one in your family has attended university..."

"Then I'll be the first."

"It's rare for someone like you to be accepted to Bart's. I don't think you can do it."

"I do."

Mrs. Slocombe gives him a hint of a smile. "You're made of sterner stuff than I thought. Good luck to you, John Watson. You shall need it."

John thanks her and walks out. His greatest fear is that he'll fail.

* * *

_A/N: In Britain, students who are 16 years old (the age John is here) take exams called GCSEs at the end of the school year. After their GCSEs, many students go on to complete vocational training or advanced classes (A-levels) to prepare themselves for university. Once again, I tip my hat to Wikipedia for helping me fact-check. _

_John's teacher is named after the "Are You Being Served?" character. :)_


	18. July 1992

John's cadet detachment is learning how to shoot guns. While most of the cadets are excited, John is more subdued. He knows soldiers need to be able to shoot, and he knows that when he joins the Army he'll be judged on his shooting abilities. _(What if I make a mistake?)_

Since there are only six stalls at the range, the cadets go up in groups of six to shoot. Between groups, the instructors call a cease-fire and inspect the cadets' performance. When John's turn comes, he takes a deep breath to steady his hands. He picks up the gun, checks the chamber, ejects the empty clip and inserts a full clip. The target is 3 metres away; John puts it in his sights and steadily fires off ten rounds.

After calling the cease-fire, the instructor takes John's target down and smiles approvingly. "Watson! All ten of your bullets are on the paper! Not bad for a first go. Keep at it, you'll get better."

John says thank you and studies the target. _(Not bad? I shot from 3 metres and barely hit the bullseye! How will I ever get anything from 50 metres?)_

John's greatest fear is that he'll never be a good shot.

* * *

_A/N: Getting all of one's bullets "on the paper" (that is, somewhere on the target, even if it's not the bullseye) is quite good for someone who's never picked up a gun before. _


	19. May 1993

All is quiet at the Watson house this morning. John is in his bedroom studying DNA replication when he hears Harry come in the front door. She mumbles a greeting to Dad, who asks her where she was last night.

John doesn't hear Harry's answer. Evidently Dad didn't either, because he repeats the question. John braces himself for yet another fight. _(How am I meant to get anything done with them always shouting?)_ He used to eavesdrop but now he ignores them, or tries to. It's always the same thing: Harry claims that she's just young and having fun, then Dad reminds her that she'll be twenty years old in the fall and needs to do more with her life than work in fast food. They'll shout at each other till they're hoarse, Harry will stomp off in a huff, and a few hours later, she'll return and make a bunch of promises she doesn't intend to keep. _(And Dad will pretend to believe her, and he'll never throw her out because he knows Mum won't take her and he won't have one of his children homeless.)_

John's greatest fear is that he'll be stuck listening to this for the rest of his life.


	20. September 1993

On a rainy evening, John comes home from work reeking of fish and with his hair coated in grease. He sees Dad and Harry in the kitchen and mutters a hello before plodding off to the shower.

Dad calls after him, "John, when you're finished washing up, come out here. Your sister wants to tell you something."

The teen grumbles his assent. He's exhausted from working all day, he's got a hundred stoichiometry problems to do by Monday, and he really needs to get something done before bed. _(This had better be important.)_

Once showered and changed into fresh clothes, he joins Dad and Harry in the kitchen. "So, er, what's going on?"

"I'm going to quit drinking. I went to an AA meeting with Mum today, and while you were at work, I poured out all the beer in our refrigerator," Harry says, nodding towards the full rubbish bin.

Grinning broadly, John tells Harry he's proud. His greatest fear is that her sobriety won't last.


	21. December 1993

John has just arrived home from work. Dad waves John into the kitchen and says, "There's post for you."

"Finally," he grumbles, trying to hide his enthusiasm. He's been sending out university applications left and right, and the waiting is killing him. The envelope on top is from Bart's and his hands tremble slightly as he opens it. He scans the letter frantically as his father watches.

Dad demands, "Well? What's it say?"

John whoops, "I got in!"

Dad claps John on the back and says, "Congratulations! I knew you would!"

The teen smiles. "_Doctor_ John Watson… it has a nice ring, doesn't it?"

The older man clears his throat and says, "I, er, hate to rain on your parade, but there is the matter of money…"

John replies calmly, "I got a bursary that'll pay for half my tuition, I've got some money saved up, and between that and whatever I get during my gap year I can cover housing. That should cover me till my second year, and then I can get a cadetship, which means the Army will pay for everything."

Dad beams at him. "I knew I could count on you to be practical. Good job, son."

John's greatest fear is that he won't get a cadetship.

* * *

_A/N: The British Army offers 30 cadetships per year to students in their last three years of medical school. The Army pays these students' tuition and gives them a stipend in exchange for military service after graduation. More on this in a later chapter…_


	22. 1994

On a chilly Saturday afternoon, John is over at his girlfriend Cora's house. They'd intended to spend the day at a park, but the horrible weather has kept them in. Instead, they're watching a movie. That is, they _were_ watching a movie, but about halfway through they became more interested in snogging. Hands are roaming, breathing is heavy and John is trying his best to control himself; she's told him she's not ready to go all the way and it's only a matter of time before she says…

"Let's do it."

John blinks. "Really? You want to?"

Panting, she caresses his cheek. "Yes."

"Your mum won't be back for hours, right?"

"Yes."

John scoops Cora up and carries her back to her bedroom. _ (Thank God I'm prepared!)_ He places her on the bed and climbs in next to her. John proceeds slowly; it's the first time for both of them and he wants to be gentle. Finally, she tells him she's ready, and he climbs on top of her.

**[Three Minutes Later]**

"Is that it?"

John groans. His greatest fear is that he'll never have any staying power.


	23. Fall 1995

It's orientation day at St. Bart's, and the class of 2000 has been herded into the auditorium for a welcome speech from the dean. John looks around the room and can't help but feel intimidated. It seems that everyone already knows each other. He overhears some of his classmates talking about their backgrounds: many of them have parents and grandparents who graduated from Bart's or families where everyone is a doctor.

He can't help but roll his eyes when he hears the girls behind him talk about spending their gap year traveling. _(Wonder how they'll react when they find out I spent my gap year slinging fish and chips at The Codfather?)_

Just when he thinks he has no hope of fitting in, a dark-haired bloke with glasses sits next to him and introduces himself as Mike Stamford. Like John, Mike is from a working-class background and hopes to be the first doctor in his family.

Later in the day, the first-years are taken on a campus tour by upperclassmen. A few of the girls in John and Mike's tour group look condescendingly at the way the two of them are dressed and whisper to each other.

John's greatest fear is that his classmates will never take him seriously.


	24. Christmas 1995

Mum is over at the house for the first time since the divorce, and Dad actually complimented her on Christmas dinner. John secretly hopes this becomes a tradition again. _(As long as she stays off the liquor, she's a lovely person.)_ Harry seems unusually nervous, and John asks what's wrong.

Harry gulps and says, "Um… I have something to tell you. I was hoping for a better time, but since we're all together…"

Mum asks, "What is it, love?"

"I'm a lesbian."

"Not in this house, you aren't!" Dad shouts.

Harry yells that she can't change who she is, to which Dad responds that she had damn well better try. The conversation degenerates into an argument over which parent is "responsible" for Harry's orientation. Harry shouts back at the both of them. John tries to intervene on Harry's behalf but Mum, Dad, and Harry all bark, "Mind your own business!"

John trudges to his childhood bedroom and flops on the bed morosely. His greatest fear is that he'll never have a decent Christmas.


	25. 1996

_A/N: Science nerdery ahead! Feel free to skip this chapter if you don't like such things. If you want to know what these abbreviations mean, check out the Wikipedia article on the MAPK/ERK pathway. Phosphorylation is the attachment of a phosphate group to a molecule, and a kinase is an enzyme that phosphorylates things. And now you know everything I remember from biochem. :)_

* * *

Few people on Earth can be as melodramatic as medical students at 2 AM during exam week. Mike is convinced that he'll never learn the cell signaling pathways by tomorrow and will face ignominy and failure. John does his best to reassure him.

"You can do this. Let's start from the beginning of the pathway: the extracellular ligand binds to the EGFR, and then…"

The bespectacled man starts out fluently and then deteriorates. "The tyrosine kinase is activated, and then EGFR is phosphorylated. The GRB2-SOS complex is formed and then… uh…"

"Something we both want to do right now," John says, not unkindly.

"Activates SOS! Yes, then SOS takes a GDP off of Ras, which activates it. Ras then binds to, er…" Mike paused, struggling again.

John smiles slightly. "Think of those nancies in blue…"

"RAF! Then RAF phosphorylates MEK, and MEK phosphorylates MAPK."

John grins. "Well done. Only five more pathways to go."

"Yes, and after that we'll get on to pathology. The student shall become the teacher," Mike says with a twinkle in his eye.

The blond man groans and rests his head on the desk, and not just because Mike's impression of Bruce Lee is the worst he's ever heard. _(Pathology is a trick to lower everyone's grades except Mike's.) _John's greatest fear is that he'll flunk out.


	26. 1997

Harry has recently moved to London, and on a free weekend, John pops over to her flat for dinner. Mum is there too, and the two women are having a good laugh when he walks in. _(It's good to hear them happy. I knew Mum would come around sooner or later.)_ They seem a bit more cheerful than usual, but he chalks it up to the beautiful weather and the fact that they don't see each other often.

Mum asks John how his studies are going, and he says quite well. She makes an off-colour joke about dissecting cadavers. Harry laughs uproariously; John blushes. That's when he notices how the two them are holding their glasses. _(Don't say anything. You don't have proof yet.)_

After dinner, John offers to clean up while Mum and Harry relax. Once they're out of the room, he peeks into the rubbish bin and finds that it's full of empty liquor bottles.

John's greatest fear is that his childhood is about to repeat itself.


	27. 1997, part 2

John has spent the summer at Sandhurst for officer training. He's been stretched to his physical and mental limits – night exercises with little sleep and twenty-mile runs carrying his huge pack through the mud. When he got done with one of the longest days he'd ever had, it was back to base for an interview with three Army doctors to see if he was worthy of the coveted cadetship. A medical cadetship means free tuition and a stipend, and the end of John's financial worries, at least until graduation. If he doesn't get chosen… well, he'd rather not contemplate that.

The day before officer training ends, John's commanding officer calls him into a meeting.

"Watson! Good news: the RAMC has decided to award you a medical cadetship. Do you accept?"

"Yes… yes, of course!" John stammers.

The commanding officer shakes his hand. "Every doctor who interviewed you said that you are a promising young man. I'm sure you shall make us proud."

"Thank you, sir."

John isn't accustomed to authority figures actually believing in him. His greatest fear is that he'll let them down.


	28. 1999

For his 5th year elective, John chose to go to Guatemala on a humanitarian mission. He and his classmates have spent their time giving out vaccines and antibiotics, and treating childhood diseases. The medical students have been staying in a school gymnasium, and late on their last night in Guatemala, John's friend Rachel sneaks up to his sleeping bag and gently taps him on the shoulder.

"John! You awake?"

He is, and the two them step outside to look at the stars, marveling at how many can be seen here. Both of them lose track of time, and before they know it, the sky is getting lighter. Rachel tells him she's cold.

"Let me warm you up," John says, and he places his jacket on her shoulders and a kiss on her lips. The small kiss quickly turns into an impassioned snog, and Rachel whispers that they should get inside.

John purrs, "Yours or mine?"

She breathes, "Do you have anything?"

"Yes," he whispers, nibbling her neck.

"Yours, then."

The couple tiptoes to John's sleeping bag. He fetches the condoms from under his pillow and pulls the sleeping bag around himself and Rachel. For once, he's glad to be small – the sleeping bag conceals them easily.

John's greatest fear is that they'll wake someone up.


	29. 2000

_A/N: Foundation Year 1 is equivalent to intern year for US medical residents - a year of general medicine building on what they learned in medical school. Since John had an Army cadetship at medical school, he'll do Foundation Year 1 before beginning full-time military duties. Adrenaline (aka epinephrine) is a drug used to stimulate the heart in cardiac arrest._

* * *

John's first night shift of foundation year starts slow; A&E merely seems full of kids with the sniffles. At 2100, things change.

The ambulance arrives with a man in cardiac arrest. EMTs wheel the patient in, ventilating him as they go. The patient is a 60-year-old man who collapsed at a local pub. Bystanders started CPR ten minutes ago. Staff flood into the patient's room. The charge nurse brings in the crash cart, and as one nurse gives chest compressions, John directs two other nurses to line up and be prepared to relieve her. The young doctor takes a deep breath to control the shaking in his voice.

Chest compressions. John orders adrenaline. No pulse. More compressions. More adrenaline. No pulse. John orders a fluid bolus. No pulse. More compressions. More adrenaline. No pulse. More compressions. More adrenaline. No pulse.

John asks, "How long have we been at it?"

"Thirty minutes, Doctor."

_(30 minutes here and ten in the field. He's gone.)_ "Anyone object to calling the code?"

Silence.

"Right. I'm calling it. Time of death 2136."

John walks to the family room, shoulders sagging. The man's wife and children are there, praying for a miracle, and he must tell them that it did not occur. His greatest fear is that it was his fault.


	30. 2001

John is taking a much-needed coffee break. He slept no more than four hours last night, and he's got at least six hours to go before this shift is finally over. _(They weren't kidding when they said Foundation Year would be the worst of our lives.)_

As the young doctor pours his coffee, the unit secretary blows in. "Dr. Watson, I've an urgent message from your sister. Your mum is at University College Hospital. You're to go see her at once."

John dashes across town with superhuman speed and finds Harry and Dad in the surgical waiting room. He asks what happened.

Harry explains, "Mum had a vein burst in her oesophagus. They're trying to fix it now."

_(Oesophageal varices. Christ. I knew the drinking would catch up with her. She'll have to stop now… if she survives.)_ Harry and Dad can tell from the look on John's face that it's serious, but they don't press him for details.

After an interminable wait, the doctor comes out grim-faced. "I'm so sorry. We did all that we could."

John pinches the bridge of his nose and forces back a sob. His greatest fear is that Harry won't learn from Mum's mistakes.

* * *

_A/N: Oesophageal varices are veins in the oesophagus that have swollen due to increased pressure in the hepatic portal vein. Left untreated, the varices can rupture with fatal consequences. They're most commonly seen in people with liver damage due to alcoholism._


	31. 2001, part 2

John's company has been out doing training exercises all day. It's unusually warm for September and all he wants to do now is have a pint and relax. Normally, the commissary is a loud place full of raucous soldiers, but today, it's eerily quiet and everyone is glued to the television. Stuck at the rear of the crowd, John cranes his neck to get a better view. His friend Jacob lets John in front of him, allowing the shorter man to see a scene of unimaginable carnage.

On the television, black smoke pours out of one of the World Trade Centre towers. A passenger jet comes in from the right side of the screen and crashes into the other tower. A huge fireball erupts. John realizes he's just watched the murder of several hundred people.

The BBC anchor cuts in and says, "This was the scene a few hours ago in Manhattan, when terrorists thought to be affiliated with Al-Qaeda attacked the World Trade Centre. Casualties are estimated to be in the thousands…"

_(America is going to go to war over this. And under Article V of NATO, we will too.)_

John's greatest fear is going into a war where nobody knows who the enemy is.

* * *

_A/N: Article V of NATO states that an armed attack against one member nation is to be considered an armed attack against all member nations. The 9/11 attacks are the first – and so far, only – time in NATO's history that Article V has been invoked._


	32. 2002

Fresh off the plane in Afghanistan, John humps his kit over to the tent. He unpacks his bag and sets up his things, doing his best to make his cot look like home. Once settled, John takes a walk around the base with Genevieve, another newly-arrived doctor. The British base is nicer than John expected, and the American base is even rumoured to have a Starbucks.

Two days later, John starts his first shift at the field hospital. They don't just treat wounded soldiers; civilians come in as well. Many Afghanis bring their children in since there are so few other hospitals in the area. It's the children that tear John up most; too many little ones run across an IED or a mine and have their limbs blown off. _(Christ. It's one thing to see this happen to adults who freely undertook the risk. Quite another to watch it happen to children who were only minding their own business.)_

John's greatest fear is that he'll never get used to this.


	33. 2002, part 2

Late one night, John and Genevieve are just coming off shift. The two of them walk back to their tents together. It's been a relatively calm evening; while there's never a dull moment at the field hospital, at least tonight there weren't any new casualties. As they walk through the dusty Army base, they discuss what they miss most about home. Genevieve would like nothing more than a long hot bath. John just wants a decent cup of tea.

Genevieve invites him into her tent; her tentmates are out on patrol, so they're alone. As soon as the tent flap is closed, she wraps her arm around John's waist and pulls him in for a bruising kiss. She's two inches taller and he's taken aback by her strength, but he quickly regains his wits and returns the kiss.

Between the clashing of lips and teeth, he gasps, "I didn't think you, er…"

"I thought it was obvious," she pants as she undoes his uniform.

"Right," he grunts as he peels off her jacket. _(Now that I think about it, it was… oh yes, keep doing that!)_

As the lovers fall back onto Genevieve's cot, John's greatest fear is that casualties will come in during the next thirty minutes.

* * *

_A/N: And now you know why they call him "Three Continents." ;)_


	34. 2003

A few weeks after returning from his first tour in Afghanistan, John takes Genevieve to meet his family. John reassures Genevieve that Dad will love her, and that Harry can be a lot of fun if she doesn't overdo it with the drink. _(She nearly always does, but hopefully tonight she can rein it in.)_

John and Genevieve are the first to arrive at Dad's house. The older man is impressed by Genevieve's knowledge of military history, and the three veterans have a grand time chatting. Then Harry arrives, and John braces himself for a fight. To John's utter shock, Harry is sober and she brought takeaway. Genevieve helps her unpack the meal and set the table, and John bites his tongue in anticipation. _(This is going to go wrong in 3… 2… 1…)_

Laughter erupts in the kitchen. John rushes in to find Harry grinning like the Cheshire Cat and Genevieve holding her sides in mirth.

With an impish glint in her eye, Genevieve says, "Darling, you never told me you used to play with Harry's dolls!"

John turns beet red. His greatest fear is that his sister and his girlfriend actually will get on.


	35. 2005

The pilot smiles as a bedraggled John Watson climbs aboard the plane with his kit. "Glad to be headed home, Captain?"

The army doctor mumbles something vaguely agreeable and sinks into his seat. _(I'd be happier about going home if I knew what I was returning to.)_ Dad's letters have been odd lately; he's hiding something but John can't be sure what. All Harry will say is that they'll have much to discuss when he comes home. Harry's behaviour has been a bit off as well; about the time Dad began acting strangely, she quit drinking. _(One less reason to worry about her, one more reason to worry about Dad.)_

And then there's Genevieve. She's been discussing their future more and more lately, and she'll hit the ceiling when she finds out John wants to re-enlist. _(I thought my second tour would get the war out of my system, but it didn't.) _He'd rather stay in Afghanistan than face his girlfriend. If he weren't so concerned about Dad, he probably would.

John's greatest fear is coming home.


	36. 2005, part 2

John and Genevieve are having a picnic in the park. The food is delicious, the weather is lovely, and Genevieve is beautiful, but John can't shake the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Since he returned from his second tour, he's done a lot of thinking about their future. Genevieve wants a little house in the country, children, and a quiet life. She's already left the Army and she wants John to do the same. She's assured him that after his service is up, he can find a good position anywhere in Britain. Unfortunately, the only positions John wants are in Afghanistan.

The army doctor sucks in a deep breath and tells her that he re-enlisted. She doesn't take it well.

"I can't believe you did that! After all the plans we've made –"

John interrupts, "_We_ didn't make plans. _You_ made plans and you assumed I went along with them!"

Genevieve spits, "Then _you_ shouldn't have led me on!"

After a moment of tense silence, John sighs, "I did. I'm sorry I misled you. And I'm sorry I can't give you the life you want."

Genevieve stalks off, tears hidden behind her sunglasses. John's greatest fear is that he's just made a huge mistake.


	37. 2007

Dad is asleep in his room at the hospice when John tiptoes in. He looks very small; end-stage cancer has that effect on even the strongest of men. John takes a moment to study his father; he likely won't get another chance. _(You taught me how to be brave. I didn't understand then how hard it was for you, throwing Mum out. You only did it because you loved her too much to stand idle while she destroyed herself and your children. You think that you failed us – particularly Harry – but you did what was best.)_

"Dad?"

"Yes, son?"

"I brought you something." He hands his father a package of Jammie Dodgers. "I'm sure the food in here is shit."

With a chuckle, the older man tears into the package and the two of them eat biscuits and trade war stories. It's entirely too short a time before Dad is again too tired to talk.

As John turns to go, he says, "Dad, thank you. For everything."

Dad suppresses a smile. "Just doing my duty, son. Look after Harry for me, would you?"

"Of course, Dad."

John's greatest fear is that he'll let Dad down.


	38. 2008

John hops into the backseat of a London cab wearing his dress uniform and holding a bouquet of flowers. He asked the cabbie to take him to the courthouse, and the cabbie smiles and congratulates him.

"Er, thanks, but I'm not getting married. My sister is."

"Oh. Well, congratulations to your sister then!"

He finds the weddings office with little difficulty, and there are Harry and Clara. Harry is, of course, in a suit. _(I don't think I've seen her in a skirt since the eighties.)_ Clara is wearing an understated white dress. The happy couple have a few other friends and family members to celebrate, and John smiles throughout the ceremony.

As the two of them get into a car with "Just Married" painted on the rearview mirror, John feels a pang of jealousy. _(How long has it been since I've even had a date?)_

John's greatest fear is that he'll never find his other half.


	39. December 2009

During John's third tour, there's a report of casualties in a mountain pass. John and a few medics hop into an Apache helicopter to retrieve the wounded. The flight out seems to take an eternity. This is John's least favourite part, the trip in. Once there, he can assess the situation and begin acting. Inaction is torturous.

Finally, the Apache lands. There are four men wounded, one dead. One of the wounded men is able to board the Apache unaided. While John applies pressure to a second man's wound, he instructs his team to take the other casualties to the chopper. It's a chaotic scene; gunfire is everywhere, and both British and Afghani commanders are shouting at their men.

Suddenly, John feels metal tear through his left shoulder and looks down to see a rapidly expanding crimson bloom. He shouts, "MEDIC!"

He realizes that he can't feel his left hand and squelches the panic. _(Keep the heart rate down, don't pump out all your blood… if they can get you back to base, you have a chance…. Please, God, let me live.)_ He continues barking orders while blood soaks his uniform. Just before eyes flutter shut, he sees his friend Bill Murray.

John's greatest fear is that he's about to die.


	40. 2010

It's been a month since John was invalided home from Afghanistan, and he's feeling useless. _(Out of the Army, hand shakes too badly to operate… what the hell good am I?)_ Adding insult to injury, his Army pension is too small to allow him to stay in London. He can't stay with Harry, not since she left Clara and especially not since she's drinking again. Walking through the park, both to get out of his dingy bedsit and to clear his head, he hears someone call his name. Turning around, he struggles to recognize the man until he introduces himself. (_Mike, of course. Good Lord, he must have gained 4 stone!)_

Mike buys John a coffee and the two men catch up on each others' lives. When John reveals his housing situation and that nobody would want him for a flatmate, Mike gives him a strange smile and offers to introduce him to someone.

That someone is a public school type who seems to have found out everything about John just from a glance. When John presses him for information on the flat, the man – Sherlock Holmes – seems impressed.

John decides he'll go ahead and try living with Sherlock. _(Got nothing to lose.)_ His greatest fear is that Sherlock won't want him around.

* * *

_A/N: In Britain, "public school" actually means private school - John is saying that Sherlock seems very spoiled and upper-class. Thanks to DoctorWhovian11 for reminding me to clarify this!_


	41. 2011

After John left Afghanistan, he didn't think he'd ever again have to worry about a madman trying to turn him into a bomb. But then, he never dreamed he'd run across someone like Jim Moriarty. The man was something straight out of a comic book, for God's sake.

Moriarty speaks into John's earpiece. "Now do exactly as I say, and you won't get hurt…"

_(Liar.)_ John is sure he won't leave this building alive, but the thought doesn't scare him. When he steps out of the changing booth and sees Sherlock's face, the expression of hurt and betrayal sends a pang through him.

_(Look at my eyes, Sherlock. Three short… three long… three short…)_

_(Do not turn your back on me, Moriarty.)_

_(Run, Sherlock!)_

_(Oh shit.)_

_(Moriarty's gone. I've got to sit down…)_

_(Blow us up, Sherlock. It's worth dying if we can rid the world of him.)_

_(Is that "Staying Alive?")_

_("Make you into shoes?" Maybe he actually is gay.)_

_(Well, that was anticlimactic.)_

John knows he and Sherlock will see Moriarty again. His greatest fear is that Sherlock won't be so lucky next time.


	42. 2012

John is poking around in the lab at Baskerville, off on yet another errand for Sherlock. _(Spoiled git can't be arsed to leave his Mind Palace, so he sends me for everything.)_ Not finding what Sherlock needs in the smaller lab, he returns to the main lab. As he does so, all the lights come on and shine directly in his eyes, making it impossible to see. He fumbles his way to the lift and tries to swipe his card. His card doesn't work, so he tries again. As he does so, all the lights turn out and he's left with only emergency lighting. As he stumbles around the room, he hears the sound of claws on tile. _(Oh shit. The hound.)_

Terrified, John locks himself in a cage and pulls a sheet over it. _(Maybe if it can't see me...)_

_(Come on, Sherlock, pick up!)_

_(You daft git, the more I talk, the more likely it is to find me!)_

_(It's getting closer!)_

_(This is it. Please, just make it quick!)_

_(Sherlock?!)_

When Sherlock pulls him out of the cage, the hound is nowhere to be seen, and as John surveys the room, he realizes that the hound was never here. His greatest fear is that he's been turned into a science experiment.

* * *

_A/N: Thank you to DoctorWhovian11 for suggesting this chapter!_


	43. June 2012

John is racing back to Bart's after checking on Mrs. Hudson. He realizes that Sherlock sent him off on a wild goose chase so that he could meet Moriarty alone. He isn't sure if Sherlock wanted to protect him or just hog the glory, but that doesn't matter. They need to win their confrontation with Moriarty first; he can interrogate Sherlock later.

When he steps out of the cab, John's mobile rings. It's Sherlock and he's… on the roof? _(What the hell?)_ John can see what his best friend is about to do and his stomach turns. _(Don't, Sherlock. Whatever Moriarty's said, whatever he's done, it's not worth your life.)_

"This phone call… it's my note. That's what people do, don't they? Leave a note?"

_(Play dumb. Maybe it'll keep him talking.)_ "Leave a note when?"

"Goodbye, John."

The doctor can only watch in horror as Sherlock plummets to the ground. The next few minutes are a blur. John races towards Sherlock and something knocks him down. He winces, then hoists himself up and sets his jaw. _(Keep going. Remember Afghanistan.)_ John pushes through the crowd and crumbles to the ground when he sees Sherlock's lifeless eyes.

John Watson's greatest fear has come true.

* * *

_A/N: Thank you to Ariane DeVere for providing transcripts on her LiveJournal! Dialogue here is from "The Reichenbach Fall."_


End file.
